Till the fish learn to fly through a giant meatpie.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

The freak that i am

Go away.
Don’t read this.

I am not immune.
I have feelings too.
I have tried…I really have.
I am trying to love myself for what I am, and not care about others’ uncalled-for negative feelings towards me.
Have trained myself to be immune to others negative feelings towards me.
I have trained myself to care for only those who cared for me and/or deserved it.
Since sec 3, I know I have grown…matured from all the pains and all my experience.
…
But I am not totally immune.
I really am sick of my sweaty palms.
Even as I type now…the keyboard is shinning with my sweat.
I cried…not that I am proud of it…I haven cried since so long…but this time, I really cannot help it.
It is hard to suppress it, really, when it had been threatening me so long.
Good to know I was able to hold back somewhat and not totally let go.
I really don’t know why.
Everyone have some blessings in one way or another.
It doesn’t seem fair that I have only one…two, if you count my friends too. But I know, my true friends are easy to count by my fingers alone. I have not much of them.
Almost all aspects of my life…I have to deal with something. Even when I am with my blessings, I know most of the time…I am just putting on a face for them to see. Only once or twice, I allowed myself to break down in front of ********. But even he didn’t know what my troubles were.
I didn’t tell him. He doesn’t deserve my burden.
I can deal with family; I can deal with having to XXXXXX.
What I can’t deal with, is having sweaty palms.
I don’t have much, but why can’t I at least have the normal body functions as others.
If anyone ever read this, they would think why I am making such a fuss about this.
They would most likely tell me, that people who care for me won’t mind my palms.
Every time they tell me this. I would like to shoot back. You are not me, you don’t this condition. Do you know how humiliating and embarrassing this is???
Every time I have sweaty palms, my whole body follows suit. It is really hard for me.
No one understands just how hard it is to have sweaty palms. They don’t understand it. Even the people who care for me, which are not a lot, they don’t understand.
They don’t know.
Sometimes I just feel like having an accident or what, just so my nervous system won’t transmit signals to stimulate the sweat glands.
I know that is wrong and I should be careful what I wish for.
I know, that means I can’t run and do the things I can do even now, with just a few restrictions.
That’s why I don’t wish it. I just feel like it.
I know, saying ‘I wish’ won’t help anything.
But it is hard not to ask.

Why do I have to have sweaty palms?
How does it shape me into something better???
Can’t I have something more normal to deal with, rather than this.
I know, people out there have worse than I have.
However, the others usually have something that people can understand, that they deserve our help.
I am different; stuck in the middle of nowhere.
I have to function normally, with my abnormal condition.
Irony.
People just don’t understand.
And I don’t feel better after I type this down.
Whatever.
But I won’t cry.
I will try my best not to cry anymore.
I know it’s not good to suppress.
But I don’t want to cry.
If I don’t have anything, I have my pride.

Damn.
I want to cry so badly I am scared.


What fish? I am fish. Full name Fish Turtle. I absolutely adore turtles. And fish Turtles are such cute little things! Well, only baby turtles. The meatpie fish! What meatpie fish? Fellow fish. Audrey Bao Qi Cheng Yin Ci Fang Dorothy Jean Jeannette Joanne Kaiying Khar Loo Li Ting Maureen May Qing Yun Renee Rou Hui Shi Wen Valerie Wilson Ying Xieng Yip Yong Zhi Zijia Previous May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 April 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 Thank you, turtles. basecodes designerlove--d	Saturday, September 02, 2006 The freak that i am Go away. Don’t read this. I am not immune. I have feelings too. I have tried…I really have. I am trying to love myself for what I am, and not care about others’ uncalled-for negative feelings towards me. Have trained myself to be immune to others negative feelings towards me. I have trained myself to care for only those who cared for me and/or deserved it. Since sec 3, I know I have grown…matured from all the pains and all my experience. … But I am not totally immune. I really am sick of my sweaty palms. Even as I type now…the keyboard is shinning with my sweat. I cried…not that I am proud of it…I haven cried since so long…but this time, I really cannot help it. It is hard to suppress it, really, when it had been threatening me so long. Good to know I was able to hold back somewhat and not totally let go. I really don’t know why. Everyone have some blessings in one way or another. It doesn’t seem fair that I have only one…two, if you count my friends too. But I know, my true friends are easy to count by my fingers alone. I have not much of them. Almost all aspects of my life…I have to deal with something. Even when I am with my blessings, I know most of the time…I am just putting on a face for them to see. Only once or twice, I allowed myself to break down in front of ********. But even he didn’t know what my troubles were. I didn’t tell him. He doesn’t deserve my burden. I can deal with family; I can deal with having to XXXXXX. What I can’t deal with, is having sweaty palms. I don’t have much, but why can’t I at least have the normal body functions as others. If anyone ever read this, they would think why I am making such a fuss about this. They would most likely tell me, that people who care for me won’t mind my palms. Every time they tell me this. I would like to shoot back. You are not me, you don’t this condition. Do you know how humiliating and embarrassing this is??? Every time I have sweaty palms, my whole body follows suit. It is really hard for me. No one understands just how hard it is to have sweaty palms. They don’t understand it. Even the people who care for me, which are not a lot, they don’t understand. They don’t know. Sometimes I just feel like having an accident or what, just so my nervous system won’t transmit signals to stimulate the sweat glands. I know that is wrong and I should be careful what I wish for. I know, that means I can’t run and do the things I can do even now, with just a few restrictions. That’s why I don’t wish it. I just feel like it. I know, saying ‘I wish’ won’t help anything. But it is hard not to ask. Why do I have to have sweaty palms? How does it shape me into something better??? Can’t I have something more normal to deal with, rather than this. I know, people out there have worse than I have. However, the others usually have something that people can understand, that they deserve our help. I am different; stuck in the middle of nowhere. I have to function normally, with my abnormal condition. Irony. People just don’t understand. And I don’t feel better after I type this down. Whatever. But I won’t cry. I will try my best not to cry anymore. I know it’s not good to suppress. But I don’t want to cry. If I don’t have anything, I have my pride. Damn. I want to cry so badly I am scared. 7:22 pm ┬╖